Sunday, February 19, 2012

"Will you be a mother?"

"Will you be a mother?"

I was confused.

"God, of all people... of all questions..."

I had a sense He gently acknowledge my confusion over the question and looked at me in love, but then asked again.

"Will you be a mother?"

I really thought about what He was asking for a moment.

Then I knew what He meant.

He wanted to know if I was really willing to do this thing with my life.

Even though I wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember, even after I had two kids, even as I stood there pregnant with another child, presumably way too late to do anything about being a mother...

But all at once, I was aware that having another child was going to require more from me than ever before,

that there would be little or no time left in my schedule for myself,

that I won't be alone as much,

I cherish my alone time.

that the house won't be as quiet, either.

I love my quiet house.

I will need to pour out my life to the point where I will have to depend on God for mental and emotional stability like never before.

This baby will change me, the way I've seen children change women before me.

God wants me to embrace those changes, not fight against them like they are unnatural and let them make me bitter.

I was aware that I will be totally different after this motherhood thing is over.

I will be humbled.

But I will be wise.

I will grow in virtue.

"Yes. I will be a mother."

Then I stood up, just like the pastor asked us to do if we felt God was asking us to be obedient about something.

It was difficult to stand because I was on the front row and everyone else was sitting and it was difficult to keep standing through the whole song till the end of the church service, but I did it anyway.

The church service ended. We went home. I was greeted by a sink full of dishes as usual. Avril had a dirty diaper, the kind that you can't ignore no matter how much you may want to. A meal had to be prepared and prepared quickly because everyone was already starving from a long morning away from home.

But I already sensed a new strength in me for the mundane tasks I was facing.

I smiled down at Avril as I changed her diaper. I didn't just go through the motions. I took a few extra moments to look her in the eyes and talk to her and rub lotion on her arms and legs and kiss and hug her before I put her down.

I did the dishes next. They didn't feel like such a chore.

I made lunch and set up the table so we could eat together and visit.

And on it has gone, ever since I stood up that morning, I've had more power to be who I already was and to do what I was already doing.

Perhaps the power came when I was willing to humble myself before God and say "Yes" to a question I didn't think I even deserved to be asked.

Or perhaps it comes from knowing that this really is what God has asked me to do with my life.

How or why I receive it, I don't know, but I can tell it comes from God and I am grateful for it.

I need it now and I will need it even more soon.

No comments: